Credit and Divorce

Mary and Bill recently divorced. Their divorce decree stated that Bill would pay the balances on their three joint credit card accounts. Months later, after Bill neglected to pay off these accounts, all three creditors contacted Mary for payment. She referred them to the divorce decree, insisting that she was not responsible for the accounts. The creditors correctly stated that they were not parties to the decree and that Mary was still legally responsible for paying off the couple's joint accounts. Mary later found out that the late payments appeared on her credit report.

If you've recently been through a divorce-or are contemplating one-you may want to look closely at issues involving credit. Understanding the different kinds of credit accounts opened during a marriage may help illuminate the potential benefits-and pitfalls-of each.

There are two types of credit accounts: individual and joint. You can permit authorized persons to use the account with either. When you apply for credit-whether a charge card or a mortgage loan-you'll be asked to select one type.

Individual or Joint Account

Individual Account: Your income, assets, and credit history are considered by the creditor. Whether you are married or single, you alone are responsible for paying off the debt. The account will appear on your credit report, and may appear on the credit report of any "authorized" user. However, if you live in a community property state (Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, or Wisconsin), you and your spouse may be responsible for debts incurred during the marriage, and the individual debts of one spouse may appear on the credit report of the other.

Advantages/Disadvantages: If you're not employed outside the home, work part-time, or have a low-paying job, it may be difficult to demonstrate a strong financial picture without your spouse's income. But if you open an account in your name and are responsible, no one can negatively affect your credit record.

Joint Account: Your income, financial assets, and credit history-and your spouse's-are considerations for a joint account. No matter who handles the household bills, you and your spouse are responsible for seeing that debts are paid. A creditor who reports the credit history of a joint account to credit bureaus must report it in both names (if the account was opened after June 1, 1977).

Advantages/Disadvantages: An application combining the financial resources of two people may present a stronger case to a creditor who is granting a loan or credit card. But because two people applied together for the credit, each is responsible for the debt. This is true even if a divorce decree assigns separate debt obligations to each spouse. Former spouses who run up bills and don't pay them can hurt their ex-partner's credit histories on jointly-held accounts.

Account "Users" If you open an individual account, you may authorize another person to use it. If you name your spouse as the authorized user, a creditor who reports the credit history to a credit bureau must report it in your spouse's name as well as in yours (if the account was opened after June 1, 1977). A creditor also may report the credit history in the name of any other authorized user.

Advantages/Disadvantages: User accounts often are opened for convenience. They benefit people who might not qualify for credit on their own, such as students or homemakers. While these people may use the account, you-not they-are contractually liable for paying the debt.

If You Divorce If you're considering divorce or separation, pay special attention to the status of your credit accounts. If you maintain joint accounts during this time, it's important to make regular payments so your credit record won't suffer. As long as there's an outstanding balance on a joint account, you and your spouse are responsible for it.

If you divorce, you may want to close joint accounts or accounts in which your former spouse was an authorized user. Or ask the creditor to convert these accounts to individual accounts.

By law, a creditor cannot close a joint account because of a change in marital status, but can do so at the request of either spouse. A creditor, however, does not have to change joint accounts to individual accounts. The creditor can require you to reapply for credit on an individual basis and then, based on your new application, extend or deny you credit. In the case of a mortgage or home equity loan, a lender is likely to require refinancing to remove a spouse from the obligation.


By Cindy S. Morus

How to Select a Divorce Lawyer

Selecting a divorce lawyer to handle your family law case is a very important decision. The following are a few important criteria to help in finding the right divorce lawyer.

Experience and Focus

Any divorce lawyer you consider should have substantial experience in handling divorce cases in your location. An experienced divorce lawyer will know the tendencies of the various judges in your jurisdiction and should be able to use this knowledge to your advantage. Additionally, that lawyer should practice primarily in the field of divorce law. Often people will hire a lawyer who practices primarily in some other area, thinking that any lawyer will do. However, divorce law is a very specialized field that requires particular skills and experience in order to have a likelihood of reaching a successful conclusion.

Past Client Testimonials

Perhaps the best way to decide which divorce lawyer to use for your divorce case is to find out what former clients have to say about that lawyer. While divorce is never an enjoyable process, some divorce lawyers have more success at satisfying their clients than others. If you do not know someone who has been a client of that particular divorce lawyer, you should consider asking the lawyer for a list of clients that you can contact who can describe their experience with the lawyer. While client confidentiality is important, any good experienced divorce lawyer should have at least a few former clients who are willing to vouch for him or her.

Accessible

When a client becomes dissatisfied with a divorce lawyer, one of the most common complaints is that they were unable to communicate with the lawyer. It is very important that your divorce lawyer be accessible and prompt in responding to your phone calls, emails, and requests for meetings. While you can ask the divorce lawyer about their office policy, this is another area where you can best evaluate the divorce lawyer by hearing what former clients have to say.

If a former client of the lawyer tells you that they found it very difficult to contact the attorney, or that the lawyer either did not return calls or respond to emails or would take several days to do so, you should definitely avoid that lawyer. Divorce is an unpleasant and frustrating process under the best of circumstances. If you are unable to reach your divorce attorney, or at least someone on his or her staff, the frustration level can increase exponentially.

Fees

When you make your initial appointment with the divorce attorney, you should inquire about a consultation fee. Some lawyers do brief initial consultations for free, although most experienced divorce lawyers will charge between $100.00 and $200.00 as a consultation fee, or will charge their normal hourly rate.

For example, I charge a flat $100.00 consultation fee with no additional hourly charges, regardless of the length of the meeting. Essentially, the consultation fee is to "weed out" those people who are not serious about the possibility of hiring me. Given that my normal hourly rate is $200.00/hour and the usual typical consultation takes about 90 minutes, the charge for my consultation is significantly discounted. Therefore, you shouldn't let a consultation fee scare you away from interviewing a particular lawyer.

During the consultation it is vitally important that you have a candid discussion with the prospective divorce lawyer about fees and what you can expect. Typically, an experienced divorce lawyer will require the payment of a substantial retainer up front, against which that lawyer's hourly rate and expenses will be charged. You should find out what that lawyer's hourly rate is, what the up front retainer will be, whether any portion of the retainer is refundable if it is not exhausted, and how often you can expect to receive invoices that detail their hourly charges and expenses. You also will want to know how detailed the invoices are. Once again, this is another area where you can get excellent information from those people who have been clients of that divorce lawyer.

Comfortable

While all the above issues are important, there is one final question you should ask yourself before hiring a divorce lawyer. Are you comfortable with that lawyer and are you confident in his or her abilities? If the answer is anything other than a resounding "yes," you should keep looking. Your case is too important to entrust to someone who does not inspire your confidence.

By Scott Morgan

Divorce Advice: Getting Divorce Advice From the Right Source

Getting the right type of divorce advice depends on what type of divorce advice you want and what you want to use it for. When looking for divorce advice, it is smart to clearly define what you are seeking the advice for so you can be sure to look in the right places.

Seems simple enough right?

Yes, but...lots of people who are deciding about divorce and seeking divorce advice lump the categories of divorce advice into one, and that's a big mistake. You should seek divorce advice from different types of places for the different types of advice that you need. Certainly there's more types of divorce advice categories, but here's a partial list:

Divorce advice type 1:

Legal advice for getting a divorce when you are sure that you want a divorce, no matter how tough it will be to get that divorce.

When asking for this type of divorce advice while meeting with an attorney, you may be asked if you're certain that you actually do want a divorce?if you do, don't waver, stick to your decision. It makes sense to have a good idea of all of the parts of your life, family and materials, that could be affected or sought after. You want to have your facts, account names, timelines, etc., in mind when meeting with the attorney so that your discussion is maximized.

Divorce advice type 2:

Legal advice for getting a divorce when you are almost sure that you want a divorce, but want to make sure that the financial considerations are in order or that health of your children won't suffer in the long run.

When asking for this type of divorce advice, you may want to consider seeking the advice of an attorney or financial planner for the financial considerations and a counselor experienced in family matters for the impact that a divorce might have on your children. The point is, split the two concerns up so that you get the chance to speak to 2 different people who specialize in each area so that you will get the appropriate divorce advice.

Divorce advice type 3:

Legal advice for getting a divorce in a case that is relatively simple and will be a clean break, no financial or other family considerations to take into account for the divorce.

This is perhaps the easiest type of divorce advice to get because it infers that you have already made the decision from an emotional standpoint and really don't have any other considerations of deep concern. When seeking this type of divorce advice, you most likely have limited financial considerations, a prenuptial agreement, or the situation itself as amenable to everyone and you just need someone to do the paperwork.

Divorce advice type 4:

Legal and/or counseling advice regarding whether or not divorce is right for you from a psychological, emotional and financial perspective.

When asking for this type of divorce advice, you may want to consider seeking the advice of an attorney or financial planner for the financial considerations and a counselor experienced in Clinical Psychology and "personal-life" coaching for the impact that a divorce might have on you. Again, the point is, split the two concerns up so that you get a chance to speak to 2 different people who specialize in each area so that you will get the appropriate divorce advice.

Divorce advice type 5:

Counseling for emotional support when deciding whether or not you really want a divorce or are just unhappy in your marriage due to a marriage problem.

This type of divorce advice is crucial to your happiness because when you're in an emotional state, it is tough to make lucid and rational decisions. And, if you're wrestling with deciding whether or not to get a divorce (purely from an emotional perspective), you should do all you can to make a logical decision because how you approach this decision and the affects afterwards can be long lasting and far reaching. If you're are struggling with finding divorce advice, you may want to talk to friends, counselors, even other family members.

But, my divorce advice to you is, do it yourself.

I'm not saying don't talk with friends, counselors, and possibly family. What I am suggesting is that you reach the final decision of whether to get a divorce on your own, you have to live with it, no one else. The answer is inside you, you just have to get it out in a logical manner.

Whatever type of divorce advice you need, be sure that you're directing your energies in the right direction. If you don't separate the emotional aspects from the legal aspects of divorce advice, you might end up confused and unable to get the most out of any meeting you may have with an attorney or marriage counselor. At the end of the day, you should control your own destiny and make a smart decision based on logic, controlled emotion, and forward thinking.

How To Identify What The Question Should I Get a Divorce? Means To You

Deciding about whether you should get a divorce or not is an agonizing experience to go through. If you are asking yourself "should I get a divorce?", you've been thinking about your relationship's state for a while or an isolated incident (an example is an extramarital affair) that occurred was so terrible, that you want to just chuck it all and start over with a new life!

If you have been asking yourself "should I get a divorce?" for any length of time, you should figure out what is making you feel that way if you haven't already. Take the time to reflect back on why you're leaning towards divorce rather than working out your marriage problem. Once you identify the things that are making you feel like divorce is the right option, make a list of those things.

Once you make that list, go back through each item on the list that led you to asking yourself the question "should I get a divorce?". Look at each item on the list in depth and make certain you really deem those items as valid reasons for wanting a divorce, either in and of themselves or as a part of a common theme of reasons that make up a whole set.

Once you trim the list down to include only truly 'valid reasons', rank each reason in order of importance. Identify 2 reasons that hold the most weight to you and that contributed most to you asking yourself "should I get a divorce?".

After you accomplish this, decide if these reasons seem like things that can be changed for the better or if they are just flat out unrecoverable. Soul search and decide whether or not you are willing to do what it takes to try and fix the problem that is associated with these reasons.

Example: If one of your reasons for thinking about divorce is because your spouse is insanely jealous of you having friendly and/or purely plutonic relationships with members of the opposite sex, decide whether or not you are willing to socialize less with members of the opposite sex (or in a different manner) or do what it takes to ensure that your spouse understands and believes that you truly love him/her. If you aren't willing to do either of those things (or anything else it may take to change the situation), you have some serious long-term thinking to do about whether you really want to stay married.

If you have been asking yourself "should I get a divorce?" due to one isolated incident, you should re-live that isolated incident in your mind and identify why the isolated incident led you to the way that you feel now.

List the top 5 reasons that this incident hurt you to the extent it did (thinking about divorce). Then, think about what you feel the top 5 reasons are that led to the actual incident itself.

This is especially crucial because, even though it may be one isolated incident that caused you to think about divorce as an option, the reasons that led to that isolated incident may have been present for quite a while and need to be dealt with. The point is, just because one isolated incident 'happened', doesn't mean the execution of that incident is the true cause of the problem. Chances are there's much more to it, and finding out what those things are will help you identify the true story.

If you have been asking yourself "do I want a divorce?" and haven't prioritized why you feel that way, you aren't ready for divorce. What you are ready for however, is to go through soul searching to get to the root of the problem.

Extramarital Affair: Should You Get A Divorce Just Because One Of You Had An Extramarital Affair?

Having to deal with an extramarital affair can be a life-changing event, regardless of whether you stay married or not. Inescapable feelings can come over both people who live through an extramarital affair that will never be forgotten by either of them. The person who actually had the extramarital affair can have feelings of guilt, loneliness, confusion and misdirection along with many other feelings. The 'partner' who did not have the extramarital affair can have these feelings as well, but the lack of confidence that can come as a result of the other person having an extramarital affair can be one of the toughest parts to deal with.

The feelings that come as a result of one or both parties having an extramarital affair are natural but can also be extensions of something much deeper. Of course, if someone has an extramarital affair, both people in that marriage will have feelings that will be "surface level" only at first. Arguments can occur, denial may set in, and/or tempers can flare due to the extramarital affair. While these things are only natural and to be expected, if your going to actually survive an extramarital affair, you must look at the deeper issues and get down to the real cause of the affair and what to do about it.

People in marriages don't often look at having extramarital affairs lightly, and they realize most times what affects their actions will have on their marriage. If someone has an extramarital affair and doesn't think that it will have an affect on their marriage, surely they are either in denial or their definition of marriage leans strongly towards the "open" side. For the rest of the married crowd who don't subscribe to an "open" marriage and who have to deal with an extramarital affair, things can get a bit more complex.

Complexity can be interesting no doubt, but it can also add to the confusion of someone having an extramarital affair, especially if the couple or one party in that couple wants to look deeper at the situation and figure out two very important things:

Extramarital Affair Item 1: Why did the extramarital affair happen?

Extramarital Affair Item 2: Does the fact that there was an extramarital affair in the marriage really warrant getting a divorce when both people agree upon the reason that the extramarital affair happened in the first place?

If the couple really wants to save their marriage in spite of the extramarital affair, then finding out why the extramarital affair happened and agreeing on that reason is the first step in the healing process. If you are currently trying to save your marriage and one of you had an extramarital affair, try to limit your pain that you feel and talk things out with your spouse so you can clearly define and agree upon exactly why the extramarital affair took place.

If you cannot do this, chances are you will never get over the extramarital affair and your marriage most likely won't survive...or at least you won't have a healthy marriage after the extramarital affair.

After you have defined and agreed upon the reason that the extramarital affair took place, you must decide whether that reasons (or reasons) warrant actually going through a painful divorce. At this point you have 2 choices...either decide in your own or decide with your spouse. The latter is optimal for a variety of reasons but the main reason is that you may actually save your marriage if you decide together. Deciding together whether the real reason an extramarital affair took place indicates that you're both really reaching out for something, something you most likely didn't have prior to the extramarital affair...togetherness.

So, should you get a divorce just because one of you had an extramarital affair?

No, not necessarily. Depending on how collaborative you can be with your spouse, how 'detective-like' you can act, and how much soul searching you can do, you may just become stronger together because of an extramarital affair. It may sound odd, but that's the truth.

Of course, it is entirely possible (and probable) that if you both don't define and agree on why the extramarital affair took place and work to address that reason or reasons, your marriage won't ever be healthy again and you'll never be able to healthily survive the extramarital affair.

Reasons For Divorce; What Constitutes Viable Reasons For Thinking About Or Wanting A Divorce?

According to the Center for Disease Control's National Vital Statistics Report of 2002, 50% of first marriages ended in divorce and 60% of remarriages end in divorce. But, the Center for Disease Control also found that 96% of Americans express a personal desire for marriage, and almost three-quarters of Americans believe marriage is a life long commitment. I imagine that there are somewhat similar statistics worldwide.

With these kinds of statistics, its easy to see how complex it can be when people think they want a divorce, they have difficulty identifying how a truly viable divorce reason might be defined. Wanting happiness through marriage and wrestling with what may seem an inevitable outcome (a divorce), can be emotionally and mentally challenging. After all, it is human nature to want to feel nurtured and secure, no matter where you live!

So, if you're thinking about getting a divorce, what are truly valid reasons for actually getting a divorce?

Each government has different laws defining the difference between 'fault' and 'no-fault' divorce reasons that have enough merit that allow for the divorce to be granted. While it makes sense for you to keep this in mind when deciding whether or not to get a divorce because there may be financial considerations to think of, you should first focus on defining your own emotional or "personal" divorce reasons, regardless of what the local governing body says.

If you ask 100 people how they define viable reasons for wanting a divorce, you'll most likely get 100 different answers because they'll answer you from their perspective, not yours. Sure, there may be similarities to the way you feel in some of those answers about 'real' divorce reasons, you may even agree with some. But, the real answers to this question can only come from you. You have to figure out what reason or reasons would be viable in your mind in order to actually go through your decision about getting a divorce or staying married.

Some reasons that people give for getting a divorce, or wanting a divorce, are purely selfish and have no substance. An example of a reason for wanting a divorce that has no substance is not liking the fact that your spouse has constant unfounded jealousy. There is a deeper problem that exists here, and in the case of this example, it could be that the spouse who constantly feels jealousy has a confidence problem or some sort of 'fear of loss'. Whatever the case, the divorce reason in this example clearly isn't viable and should relatively easy to fix.

Often times when people give 'surface' or flimsy reasons for wanting a divorce, they really have much deeper feelings about something and they're just using the shallow divorce reason as an avoidance of some kind. Or, they give these 'foundation-less' reasons for wanting a divorce because they actually aren't aware that there are other deeper rooted reasons that are the cause of the way they feel now.

Common reasons that cause people to think about or want to get a divorce:

*Couple has conflicting personal beliefs
*Couple's marital satisfaction decreases
*Desertion
*Adultery
*Cruel treatment
*Bigamy
*Imprisonment
*Spousal Indignities
*Institutionalization
*Irretrievable Breakdown of some kind

Of course, you should add your own reasons to the list for wanting a divorce, better yet, make your own list of what may be 'valid' reasons. Solid divorce reasons for wanting or going through a divorce usually come from some sort of occurrence, behavioral pattern, and/or change in the viewpoint of the marriage itself.

In order to really make a smart divorce decision, you should first list the reasons that you have for wanting a divorce, then examine those divorce reasons for true viability. Then come back to it that list in a day or so. Chances are you will be able to scratch a few of those reasons for wanting a divorce off the list because they were identified purely from an emotional viewpoint rather than logic.

If you are thinking about getting a divorce, and haven't clearly identified what reasons you have for feeling the way you do, you'll be doing yourself a 'dis-service' if you act without carefully examining the viability each designated divorce reason. Everyone has their own reasons for wanting a divorce, make sure that you are certain that your reasons are truthfully viable to you before you act on them.

Surviving Divorce: What To Think About To Ensure Surviving Divorce

Surviving divorce can be a valid fear if you're contemplating getting a divorce. In order to ensure surviving divorce, you should first understand that your divorce decision shouldn't be taken lightly. Ensuring that you'll be surviving divorce can be comforting and can influence your path as you consider your reasons for divorce and take the emotional plunge into actually going through with it.

Its tough enough to think about how your immediate life will be impacted by getting a divorce let alone thinking about divorce from an aspect of "the aftermath" of divorce. You may be considering a variety of things in the short term including living arrangements, spouse's schedules, attorneys, kids, property, etc. Its tough to plan so you can really ensure that you'll be surviving divorce once its finally over with.

Surviving divorce, just like deciding to divorce, is about separating emotion from logic and making sure you think about the past, present and future. Of course, how you plan for surviving divorce, will differ from others in some respects, but there are some common themes to think about that should ensure you will be successful surviving divorce.

The most common things to think about when you want to be successful surviving divorce are self-evident and basic, but highly important:

Surviving Divorce Concept 1: Reflect on the past to make sure you can eliminate potential regret.

Make sure that you take the time to reflect on the past and remember the reasons that got you to this state of mind. One thing you absolutely must avoid is going through a divorce and regretting your decision. Evaluate, in detail, your reasons for divorce and confirm to yourself yet again that divorce is the best course of action. This will help eliminate regret...and regret can be a large factor in determining your chance of surviving divorce.

Surviving Divorce Concept 2: Admit to yourself that, no matter how your situation got to this breaking point of wanting divorce, that you had a hand in it, and plan to improve yourself.

Even if you know your present spouse is not a good fit for you, be smart enough to know that you shouldn't waste the opportunity that you have right now to improve yourself, for your own good in the future. At a time like this when emotions are running high, there tends to be a lot of soul searching going on, and that's a good thing if you want to ensure that you've got a solid chance of surviving divorce. Realize that you need to improve for you, this will only help you in the future. Remember, it takes two to tango!

Surviving Divorce Concept 3: Remember that your happiness and plan for surviving divorce should include evaluating and establishing a certain level of self-confidence. Having self confidence is absolutely critical to surviving divorce because without it, fear usually will win out and your situation will not improve. Even if you get divorced but you don't evaluate your own level of self confidence in the hopes of improving it, you may be in for a rough time after divorce. If you want a sure-fire way to feel good about surviving divorce, do yourself a favor and get your self-confidence in line.

If your overall confidence and desire to start over with your love life support making a change, you're off to a good start in making a smart decision about whether to divorce or not.

Surviving Divorce Concept 4: Get your finances in a row and understand that your life will change most likely from a monetary perspective.

This is a major portion of the surviving divorce equation, especially for women in divorce. A lot of time, women in divorce situations have to deal with finance issues and they fear going out on their own because they've had financial support previously. Still, this concept is not gender specific and can resonate with anyone because, one some level, your life will change financially as a result of divorce...that's a guarantee. In order to make sure your chance at surviving divorce is high, you need to be willing to trade potential financial loss to get a divorce. If you're willing to do this, maybe you're ready to really take the big step.

Surviving Divorce Concept 5: Understand the true value of using "projection" to ensure surviving divorce.

This is a terrific exercise to go through when you're faced with a divorce decision and want to ensure you've got a great chance of surviving divorce. "Projection" simply means looking to the future and actually imagining what your life will be like once you're divorced. And, if you're smart, you'll see multiple scenarios of what your life will become after divorce and you'll be able to pin down which factors lead to each one of those scenarios. Then, choose the scenario you'd like to actually live, and take the necessary steps needed to implement those factors. This one of the most important practices to ensure that you're chances of surviving divorce are high.

Surviving divorce is a difficult thing but it can easily be accomplished if you plan, reflect, think, and execute based on your own goals and needs.

Divorce and Children: Things To Consider When Youre Staying Married Only For Your Children

All children are different and respond differently to divorce. Depending on the characteristics of the children - age, emotional maturity, happiness, resiliency to trauma - the easier or more difficult it will be for children to weather a divorce.

As a parent, you should know your children better than anyone...use your best judgment with your children during considering divorce. This "divorce and children" article is for parents who are certain that they would get a divorce if they didn't have children and want to decide what to think about regarding the effects a divorce would have on their children.

Children of divorced parents can actually live wonderful lives as long as the parents use proper judgment and create the right types of interactions between themselves and with each other.

This article on this web page does not suggest that divorce is the correct course of action for you and it in no way should be taken as a form of counseling to you. This article is merely to spark you to think logically and then make your own decision about divorce and your children.

As previously stated, every child is different and subsequently, every child responds to divorce in a different way.

If you think there's a definitive answer about how divorce affects children, you are mistaken. There's been hundreds of books written about this subject and a plethora of studies done regarding divorce and children, all citing differing opinions and using different statistical constraints and inputs. But, statistics can only go so far...if you know your children better than anyone else, you will know best how they'll be affected by a divorce.

How divorce affects children and what you should do if you're staying married solely because you have children is complicated issue.

Here's some things you may want to consider if you're a parent who is staying married just because you have children:

Children and divorce consideration 1: Make sure that you are, in fact, only staying married just because you have children.

Often times people use the children as an excuse not to get a divorce because they aren't really sure that they want a divorce or have some other fear regarding divorce. Those fears can be present due to finance, self-confidence, living arrangements, or other personal issues.

Before you really take the next steps in deciding whether or not to get a divorce because of your children, rank your reasons for divorce and make sure that you're really certain you'd get a divorce if you didn't have children.

Children and divorce consideration 2: Make sure 'guilt' isn't the real reason that you aren't getting a divorce.

The 'guilt' referenced above is the guilt brought on by thinking that your divorce will hurt your children. In and of itself, this feeling of guilt is a selfish one if you haven't really examined carefully if a divorce will have an adverse effect on your children. If you aren't getting divorced because of guilt in this regard, but you still have an unhappy marriage that is affecting your children, then you aren't really staying married for them, you're staying married for you because you feel guilty...this is selfish.

Children and divorce consideration 3: Once you've clearly defined that you are in fact, not getting a divorce solely because you have children, examine why you think divorce will adversely affect your children.

Remember, divorce can have a negative effect on children initially, but that doesn't necessarily mean that a divorce will be a negative influence on your children forever.

Decide whether or not your children have the resiliency, the intelligence, the emotional health, and the support they'd need to mitigate the adverse effects that a divorce would have on them. Will they be happy after the initial shock of the divorce is worked through?

Children and divorce consideration 4: Once you've really defined what you believe to be negative effects on your children due to divorce, think about what your children's life will be like in the immediate and distant future if you do actually go through with the divorce.

Ask yourself, "Can I create and maintain a healthy environment for my children if I do get a divorce?"

One thing that is a critical factor in this decision is the feasibility of you and your spouse getting a divorce amicably. If you and your spouse can go through a divorce amicably, and you both can agree to always put your children's welfare above your own, you will be one step ahead.

Again, make sure you are certain a divorce is necessary to create the right type of environment for your children. Assure that there is absolutely no way you can rekindle your marriage.

Usually, divorce represents the first real trauma of a child's life. Keep this in mind when your making your divorce decision. Divorce is a serious step and nothing should be done until your're certain that divorce is the best course of action. Getting a divorce without making sure that divorce is the right thing is selfish on your part and is the wrong thing to do to your children...after all, they deserve your best effort!

One thing should remain constant...that you and your spouse will always be there for your children, no matter what.

Karl Augustine

The Impact of Divorce on Families

As a licensed mental health professional, I work with many individuals, couples, and families who are affected by divorce. I see the devastating effects that breakups can have and am dedicated to helping people develop the skills to cope with experiences like divorce.

Major Disruptions

The decision to divorce causes major changes in the lives of all family members. Some upheaval is inevitable. The main trouble areas are:

1. Financial: Money becomes a huge problem for most people. The cost of a divorce is extremely high, and two households cost more than one.

2. Career: Being less focused at work and spending time away from the job for divorce-related appointments takes its toll.

3. Logistics: Running your home is more difficult because you no longer have a partner to help with daily chores.

4. Emotional: Most people have periods of depression, sadness, anger, and fatigue.

Lots of Feelings

People who are experiencing the breakup of their marriage can expect to have a wide variety of feelings. Some call it "the crazy time" and there is even a book about divorce with this title. The following complaints are common:

? Poor concentration

? Nightmares

? Sleep problems

? Fatigue

? Mood swings

? Feeling tense

? Nausea

? Gaining/losing weight

? Feeling nervous

? Somatic complaints

Divorce profoundly affects children. In Surviving the Breakup, author Judith Wallerstein describes the experience of 60 divorcing families. She outlines the following key issues for children of divorcing families:

Fear: Divorce is frightening to children, and they often respond with feelings of anxiety. Children feel more vulnerable after a divorce because their world has become less reliable.

Fear of abandonment: One-third of the children in Wallerstein's study feared that their mother would abandon them.

Confusion: The children in divorcing families become confused about their relationships with their parents. They see their parents' relationship fall apart and sometimes conclude that their own relationship with one or both parents could dissolve, as well.

Sadness and yearning: More than half of the children in the Wallerstein study were openly tearful and sad in response to the losses they experienced. Two-thirds expressed yearning, for example: "We need a daddy. We don't have a daddy."

Worry: In Wallerstein's study, many children expressed concern about one or both of their parents' ability to cope with their lives. They wondered if their parents were emotionally stable and able to make it on their own. Over half of the children expressed deep worries about their mothers. They witnessed their mothers' mood swings and emotional reactions to the events in the family. Some children worried about suicide and accidents.

Feeling rejected: Many children who experience a parent moving out of the home feel rejected by the parent. The parent is usually preoccupied with problems and pays less attention to the child than in the past. Many children take this personally and feel rejected and unlovable.

Loneliness: Since both parents are preoccupied with their problems during the divorce process, they are less able to fulfill their parenting roles with their children. The children may feel like their parents are slipping away from them. If the father has moved away and the mother has gone off to work, the children often feel profound loneliness.

Divided loyalties: The children may (accurately) perceive that the parents are in a battle with each other. The children feel pulled in both directions and may resolve the dilemma by siding with one parent against another.

Anger: Children in divorcing families experience more aggression and anger. It is often directed toward the parents, expressed in tantrums, irritability, resentment, and verbal attacks. Many children see the divorce as a selfish act and feel very resentful about the resulting destruction of their lives.

More than one-third of the children in Judith Wallerstein's study showed acute depressive symptoms such as sleeplessness, restlessness, difficulty in concentrating, deep sighing, feelings of emptiness, compulsive overeating, and various somatic complaints.

The symptoms that many children may have during the divorce process either moderate or disappear within 18 months after the breakup. Of the symptoms that remain, the most common are:

1. Manipulative behavior was reported by about 20% of the teachers of the children in Wallerstein's study.

2. Depression was diagnosed in 25% of the children and adolescents. The symptoms of depression in children include:

? Low self-esteem

? Inability to concentrate

? Sadness

? Mood swings

? Irritability

? Secretiveness

? Isolation

? Self-blame

? Eating disorders

? Behaving perfectly

? Being accident-prone

? Stealing

? Skipping school

? Underachieving at school

? Sexual acting out

You should consider finding a therapist to work with if most of the time you feel:

? Alone

? Depressed

? Numb

? Exhausted

? Isolated

? Hopeless

? Overwhelmed by your children

? Overwhelmed by your feelings

? You are sleeping too much or too little

? Worried

? Anxious

? Afraid

By Garrett Coan

How to Recover From Divorce

As a licensed mental health professional, I work with many individuals, couples, and families who are affected by divorce. I have developed this list of survival strategies for people who are experiencing divorce. If you or someone you love is in this situation, I hope these ideas will help you.

1. Take your time as you adjust to your changed life circumstances. Recognize that you are going through a major life transition that cannot be rushed.

2. Set up temporary arrangements to help you get through the changes involved in your divorce process.

3. You will often feel frustrated. Avoid the temptation of acting for the sake of acting just because it gives you a temporary feeling of being in control.

4. When you feel uncomfortable, slow down and identify what you are feeling and why.

5. Don't force any more changes on yourself than are necessary.

6. Explore both the benefits and costs of your new life.

7. Think about the future. In your journal, explore the question, "What is waiting to happen in my life now?"

8. Remember to ask yourself, "What am I supposed to learn from this?"

9. Protect yourself against the inevitable forgetfulness and absent-mindedness which many divorcing people report. Make a list of important account numbers, telephone numbers, and the like, and keep them in a safe place.

10. Watch out for too many changes in your life as you recover from the divorce and the changes in your life circumstances. Change causes stress, and you have enough right now.

11. Let people help you.

? If it's impossible to reciprocate, say so.

? People know that your life isn't like it used to be.

? Don't let your inability to reciprocate prevent you from accepting what people willingly offer.

12. Let go of your need for perfection. You will not survive emotionally unless you lower your expectations.

13. Develop your ability to be flexible and find creative ways to solve problems.

14. Learn to set priorities. Do the most important things first.

15. Trust your gut feelings. Pay attention to your instincts and act on them.

16. Simplify everything in your life. You cannot afford to keep it complicated.

17. Find an outlet for your anger. If a friend is not available, look for a minister, rabbi, or professional counselor. If money is an issue, look for a therapist who will see you for a low fee.

18. Teach yourself to let go of guilt. You don't have time for it and it's not necessary.

19. Focus on issues you have control over. If something is beyond your control, don't waste your emotions on it.

20. Create a ceremony to acknowledge your divorce.

21. Learn to be assertive. You can't say yes to every request, whether it is from your family members or people in the community who want your time and resources. If you give it all away, you will have nothing left for yourself.

22. Find ways to take care of your body. Get regular checkups and make time to exercise. You need rest now more than ever. Watch your alcohol intake.

23. Find someone who will listen to you. Sometimes you have to ask, for example, "I need a sounding board right now. Can I have 15 minutes of your time?"

24. Rent a sad movie and let yourself cry (when the kids aren't around). Crying allows you to release the sadness that you are sure to feel.

25. Do at least one fun thing for yourself every week.

26. In your private journal, make a list of all the things you're afraid of.

27. In your private journal, make a list of all the things you worry about.

If you have children:

28. Manage your own emotions so you will be able to help your child manage his or her struggle.

? Learn as much as you can about how children respond to divorce and life in a single-parent home.

? Do not expect your child to respond the same way you do.

? Take your child's developmental stage into consideration when responding to his or her behavior.

29. Make it okay for your children to talk to you about their feelings.

30. Keep appropriate boundaries.

? Don't give in to the temptation to let your child take care of you.

? Let your children be children.

? Avoid burdening them with your feelings and the facts of the divorce.

? Find another adult to be your sounding board.

31. Even though you may be unable to be present as much as in the past, your children still need adult supervision. Look for ways for other adults to look in on your kids when they are home alone, even when they are teenagers.

32. Just because your child appears to be handling his or her emotions well, don't assume that he or she is okay. Some kids respond to divorce by becoming overly responsible or by closing down their emotions. They may need to hear, "Tell me how you're feeling."

33. While it is important to listen and accept your children's feelings, it is equally important to set limits on behavior.

34. Keep a private journal where you express your feelings. Be sure to keep it in a private place where your children won't find it. A journal provides a place to express anger, sadness, loneliness, and fear-all of those feelings you feel every day as a single parent.

35. Remind yourself that recovering from divorce will take time. Your recovery will happen on its own schedule, and it will happen. You will get through this intact.

36. Get together with other single-parent families. Sharing times with people facing similar issues can make you feel normal.

By Garrett Coan

Hire Divorce Lawyer or Use Online Divorce Forms

When do you need to hire a family law attorney and when is it okay to just use an online divorce form website to save a little money? This article will provide a few pointers to help you decide whether to do it yourself or retain a divorce lawyer.

What Does it Mean to Use an Online Divorce Form Website?

Essentially, using an online form website in your divorce case means that you will represent yourself and act as your own lawyer. All of the online divorce form sites have disclaimers making it clear that they are not your lawyer and are just preparing documents on your behalf. While it is your constitutional right to act as your own lawyer, there are some significant risks involved that should be evaluated before you take the online route.

Additionally, you have to evaluate the particular website you are dealing with. Most are national sites that offer forms that they claim will work in any state. However, every state has different laws. In other words, a California Divorce Decree will not be identical to a Texas Divorce Decree because the laws of the two states are not identical. So with an online divorce you are basically getting a generic form that may or may not work in your jurisdiction.

What if You Have Children?

While many of the divorce form sites claim to offer forms that address the necessary provisions regarding children (conservatorship, support, visitation, etc.), it is very risky to use these generic forms when you have children. You must remember that your divorce forms are being prepared using online software that simply fills in the blanks with your answers to very simplistic yes/no or multiple choice questions. These answers may not necessarily fit your situation or you may not fully understand the question.

This is where a competent lawyer can make a big difference. A lawyer will learn more about your situation and find out exactly what your documents need to say, instead of just the boilerplate language that the divorce website's software spits out. If you have children, you should take the safe route and hire an experienced divorce lawyer.

What if You Own Property?

Many of the divorce form sites also claim to offer forms that will deal with the most complex of property divisions. But when it comes to dividing any property beyond personal effects (clothes, furniture, etc.), it is risky to rely solely on generic divorce forms. If you or your spouse own real estate, vehicles, 401k accounts or other retirement accounts, or have any other financial assets or liabilities, an online divorce form will not necessarily protect your interests.

A competent divorce lawyer would be able to, first, analyze your situation and determine what property division is in your best interest, and second, ensure that all the assets awarded to you were properly transferred and the titles correctly recorded on your behalf.

Conclusion

Using an online divorce form always carries a certain amount of risk. If there are no children from the marriage and no property to divide, then saving a few hundred dollars may be worth the risk and the extra work you will have to do. But for most people, especially those with children or property, it is essential to hire an experienced divorce lawyer to handle their case.


By Scott Morgan

Reasons You Arent Starting the Decision Making Process About Whether To Get a Divorce Or...

Stay Married

Along with any tough decision comes reluctance, especially when that decision involves an actual process and might potentially involve emotional pain or anguish. Deciding whether or not to get a divorce or stay married can be a frightening time for most people, even if they know deep inside themselves that they have to actually make a decision, one way or another.

People are reluctant to embark on an 'emotionally driven' decision making process because they fear that it will be uncomfortable or painful for them. The irony here is obvious...if they need to make this decision, their life or a portion if it, is already uncomfortable. One thing is for certain, deciding whether to get a divorce or stay married is indeed a process.

This process, like any other, includes key elements?elements that need to be examined. The elements of this process are self-revealing and can only come from within the person making the decision. The decision making process is comprised of stages and viewpoints about those stages. Stages are smaller pieces of the overall process and the viewpoints of each of those stages are only defined by the person making the decision. If you're trying to decide whether or not you should get a divorce or stay married, you must look at the stage of life you are currently in, and understand how you feel about it by clearly defining your viewpoint about it.

Are you completely unhappy?

Relatively unhappy?

Partially unhappy?

Do you feel that your marriage is unhealthy enough that you intend to do something about it?

Etc.

You can look back in the past and reflect on other stages of your life and examine how you felt about those stages if they contributed to your problem as you view it now. Reflecting on the past can be an effective way to identify key occurrences that may have shaped the way your viewpoint is currently. Reflecting also can help you to identify trends in behavior that may have contributed to your viewpoint. But in the end, the viewpoint and stage that matters most is the current one and that's the one that you need to define and assess most.

It is human tendency to reflect on the past and hold onto thoughts and feelings that were once good, but doing this might keep you in a stale mate if you dwell on the past too much. You have to look at the present time and actually "decide to decide" so to speak. Once you do realize that you need to decide whether or not to get a divorce, there will be things that will creep up that will actually keep you from taking action and deciding.

Here are 5 reasons you might not be deciding to take action when it comes to deciding whether you should get a divorce or stay married:

1. You know that the severity of divorce is something not to be taken lightly so you avoid that "potential" outcome by doing nothing.

I assure you, if you realize that divorce is serious, you're ahead of the game because it means that you will do what it takes to change your situation!

2. You haven't decided to take action because you think you actually do want a divorce, and you think that divorce can create emotional scars that take a long time to heal.

3. You know that, whatever the outcome, you're really not ready to face a potentially painful end result, so you avoid the situation all together.

4. You are just flat out scared to make a decision about divorce because you know that making this difficult decision will involve profound change and deep "self-examination". And, like most of us, you want to avoid the pain and discomfort that goes with that.

5. You just don't know where to start because you are confused due to the emotional complexities of the situation. You really don't know how you feel.

All are these are valid points, but they are really just excuses to do nothing.

And, if you do nothing, the problem will still remain. And that problem is "indecision".

You haven't committed to decide. If any of these things are keeping you from making a decision about whether to stay married, you're doing more harm to yourself than good. In fact, by doing nothing, you are only compounding your problem. You are contributing to your own unhappiness by not taking action and that is just flat out unhealthy!

The first stage to going through the process of deciding whether or not to get a divorce, is to overcome your fear of the potential outcome and embrace this 'emotionally driven' process. Defining your fears and identifying why you aren't making the decision, or at least starting the decision making process about getting a divorce or staying married, is the only way you will be able to reach your ultimate goal?making a final decision to either get divorced or try to work it out.

By Karl Augustine

How Women Should Protect Themselves Financially Regarding Divorce

Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who think that their husband will be asking about getting a divorce at some point should put their emotions aside and plan "just in case" their intuition is correct that a divorce may be coming in the near future. If women who believe that the "divorce discussion" may be lurking, they should make it a point to look for solid signs that their husband will indeed ask for a divorce...then they should plan accordingly.

Women who think that they are signs that her husband may ask for a divorce but haven't thought about it deeply or who think that a divorce would better suit them rather than their husbands, should view the situation realistically and as stoically as possible. This will ensure that plan they take is calculated, logical and will benefit them based on what they want the end result to yield.

Often times women refuse to think that a divorce could happen to them and one day their husband comes home and says "There's something I have been meaning to talk to you about..." or "I think we should get a divorce." or something similar. If the situation has reached this point, its too late for women to start planning for their financial future after divorce.

So what do women who think a divorce is eminent or who want a divorce for themselves do in order to ensure they aren't left in financial ruin?

There's certainly a myriad of tactics that can be used and each woman's situation is different regarding divorce, but here's some tactics that will help:

Women and divorce tactic 1:

Once women validate their own reasons for divorce and are sure that divorce is the right path, they should make a plan and keep it to themselves. They shouldn't let anyone know what they've decided to do. They should not tell their friends, co-workers, or family...no one. And they certainly shouldn't lead on to their husband that they want a divorce if they are the ones who will be making the first move to end the marriage.

Women and divorce tactic 2:

Women in divorce should realize that the plan they take may require several months to implement and they should be patient and plan logically. Women should learn how much money it would take to support themselves (and children if the situation warrants it), how much money is actually available to them now, and how they can adjust their lifestyle to make sure they can financially survive.

Women and divorce tactic 3:

Women who may be facing divorce should look at the household wills. In some cases, it may be legal to take someone out of a will or put someone into a will without that person knowing.

Women and divorce tactic 4:

Women who want to plan for divorce should try to put away cash in the event something dramatic happens unexpectedly. Bit by bit, putting cash away somewhere in a place that cannot be found by heir husband will allow women to make sure they can survive in the event of "unforeseen circumstances".

Women and divorce tactic 5:

Women who plan on getting divorced should document any events that will strengthen their case against their husband. Occurrences such as physical abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, and drunken stupors that end in embaraasment or abuse are examples or instances that should be documented because these happeneings strengthen any case the women have against their husband.

Women and divorce tactic 6:

Women who know that divorce is in their future should do all they can to decrease liabilities and increase their access to money. This includes paying down mutual debt, establishing credit of their own if they do not have credit already, and making sure that the mortgage (if there is one) is paid down as much as possible.

Women and divorce tactic 7:

Women who are serious about getting a divorce or who think that their husband might ask for a divorce in the future should gather all documents that have to do with anything financial that has their name listed. They should make a list of all these items with financial institution name, address, account number, balance, interest rate, etc. Knowing exactly what is at stake financially will help alleviate surprises later.

Planning a divorce can be as painful for women as it can be for men. Generally, women aren't the breadwinners (although things are getting a lot closer to being 'new age' than in previous decades) and getting surprised with divorce papers can have long term financial affects to women who don't plan accordingly and protect themselves financially.

By Karl Augustine

Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting A Divorce?

Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're trying to do all you can to make your marriage work. Depending on how your marriage was prior to thinking that you had a marriage problem, you could be in for a hurtful time if you don't take a step back and look at your marriage problem from a "helicopter" viewpoint. To do that, you're going to need to try to limit your emotional stake in the situation which admittedly is a difficult thing to do.

The first step in getting over a marriage problem is to remember that you aren't alone, lots of couples have marriage problems that stem from all kinds of different types of behavior.

Here's a partial list of marriage problems that you may or may not be experiencing:

Marriage problem #1:

Lack of sexual intimacy - a serious issue that you must work through in my opinion if your going to work it out.

Marriage problem #2:

Exploding during an argument, getting too emotional and letting your temper get the best of you - you need to learn to work together and you can't do that if one of you is getting too heated.

Marriage problem #3:

Being selfish - eventually this will catch up to you. You should always think of your partner when you think of yourself.

Marriage problem #4:

Being dishonest - another serious issue. If you cannot be 100% honest and open with your mate, you're marriage is most likely doomed or at the very least unhappy.

Marriage problem #5:

Teasing too much - generally the husband does this but it could go either way. If there's a little bit of truth to the teasing or there's a greater marriage problem that incites the teasing, you could be in for a long road to recovery together. Chances are that you'll have a lot more work to do to correct this marriage problem.

Marriage problem #6:

Not respecting your spouse - this marriage problem can result in all types of other problems. If you are experiencing this you must get to the root of this and figure out why the disrespect is present. If you aren't getting the every day respect that you deserve, make it a priority to not let this go on another day.

Marriage problem #7:

Not being attentive to your spouse or not listening to your spouse - men are usually guilty of this marriage problem but is isn't exclusive to the weaker gender by any means. Really listening doesn't mean obeying, it means understanding what's important to your spouse and acting accordingly.

Obviously there are many other things that could be labeled a "marriage problem", you have to decide what those are as they pertain to your situation.

So, how do you figure out if a marriage problem or problems are severe enough to warrant a divorce?

You should first examine what your marriage problem actually is and decide if it is exclusively a problem for you or if it is something that you both consider to be a marriage problem. If you are the only one who sees the said action as a marriage problem, you have to decide whether or not that specific marriage problem is being caused by you or whether it is truly a problem brought on by your spouse. If the marriage problem is unique to you, seek some help from a counselor and do yourself the courtesy of trying to correct the problem before you believe that you need to run right out and get a divorce. You'll be a better person for it because you will have fixed something within yourself.

However, if you truly believe that the marriage problem is caused and prolonged by your spouse, sit down with yourself first and examine what you believe to be the root cause of the behavior that creates the marriage problem. Make sure that you are being logical when you identify the behavior that you feel is causing the marriage problem and try to recall if the traits or behavior that you've identified in your spouse are 'fixable' in your mind...assuming of course, that your spouse will agree that you are right.

Next, approach your spouse with the information that you've reflected on and try to talk through the cause of the marriage problem. Hopefully your spouse will be open to constructive discussion regarding the marriage problem so you can work through it together. If you cannot do work on the marriage problem together, seek the help of a mediator or marriage counselor so you can actually talk out the marriage problem logically. If you cannot work it out after counseling, other divorce advice, deep self-reflection and discussions, you should be able to decide whether or not the marriage problem warrants a divorce or not.

Of course, no one can decide this but you.

By Karl Augustine

Does Your Sexless Marriage Have You Thinking About Divorce?

If you are in a sexless marriage and are unhappy because of it, don't worry, it isn't unrecoverable but it is serious cause for concern. You may even be thinking that you need a divorce because of your sexless marriage, that's only natural. But, in order to really decide what to do, some thinking needs to be done so you feel good about your decision, regardless if you stay married or not.

Being stuck in a sexless marriage can have you feeling a wide range of feelings from loneliness, listlessness, confusion, unconfident, etc. These feelings come about for a variety of reasons and they can be overcome if you just figure out why you're in a sexless marriage. You need to get to the root of the problem and uncover the real reasons that you and your spouse are no longer sexually active assuming of course, you once were!

To get to the heart of the causes for a sexless marriage will take some time. On the surface, you may be thinking that the cause of your sexless marriage may include one or more of the following scenarios:

Sexless Marriage: "We both work too much!":

You both work extremely hard and there just never seems to be enough time to get together, your schedules are skewed. This is true a lot nowadays with the 'new' economy, lots of couples are married but just live together like roommates if both parties have 'time-consuming' careers. If not managed properly, it is unfortunate but common for people in this type of lifestyle to end up in a sexless marriage.

Sexless Marriage: "You work, I stay home with the kids!":

One of you works very hard with your career and one of you stays home to raise the children (child), which is equally as hard as any career! This situation can lead to a sexless marriage in many cases because of the seemingly disparate priority base of each party. The spouse with the career may need to work after hours, travel, or attend "post work" functions and the spouse who stays home raising the children (child) may not have any other outlet for relaxation away from the home front. This situation can easily lead to a sexless marriage because there may be underlying feelings from both sides that contribute to an already tough situation based on personal and work related schedules.

The spouse with the career may say at times, "Why do you think I work so hard? I do it for you, the kids, our family, etc.". The spouse who stays home with the children (child) may say at times, "You have another release, you have social interaction daily with the outside world. I feel stuck here sometimes, I need to get out and have time for myself.". If the spouse that stays home feels like the spouse with the career enjoys being out and working more than being home, that calls for a whole different and escalated level of concern! Chances are the sexless marriage was bound to be that way before the current situation even arose.

Sexless Marriage: "I don't know why...there's just no spark left, you don't pay enough attention to me and our sex life and I guess I don't either!": This is a common sexless marriage situation and it can be caused by a variety of things including emotional scars, bad experiences, boredom, laziness, etc. In this situation, there is deep cause for concern from both parties because both parties aren't happy sexually but don't really know why it ended up this way. Both parties have just "let things go" and didn't place a high enough priority on their sex life with their spouse, which in and of itself is very concerning.

Why would either or both parties let things get this way when love making is so important?

Sometimes there's a feeling of being taken for granted that can occur in this type of sexless marriage, and both parties should realize that sex is a basic human need and should take priority over other things at the right time. It takes work to get out of this type of sexless marriage, you need to sit down and figure out why your marital love life has dwindled. If you both really want to rekindle things, you can do so, but you both need to take equal responsibility for correcting the problem.

Whatever type of sexless marriage you are in (there's certainly more types than listed here), remember that it is not unrecoverable. If you're to the point of thinking about getting a divorce because of your sexless marriage, take the time to sit down and figure out how it got to be the way it is now.

If you've lost interest in your spouse from a sexual point of view, you need to define exactly why that occurred. If you don't know right off hand, you need to think back to a time when you did 'have the spark' and recall what you both were doing, feeling, thinking, etc. From that point, identify what has changed, why it has changed, and what you can do about it. When you get that portion figured out, you may well on your way to taking the first step of recovering from your sexless marriage. Remember, if you really want to rekindle your relationship, you can.

By Karl Augustine

Things To Consider When Making A Decision About Divorce

When making a divorce decision, there are quite a few things that you should consider. Too often people find themselves unable to clearly identify what they need to think about when making a divorce decision which leads to further indecision and frustration. When making serious divorce decisions, having an open mind and listing the things that will figure into your decision about divorce, will help make the process a little simpler for you.

The things to consider when deciding about divorce varies somewhat from person to person, but here is a list of the most common items to contemplate:

Divorce Decision Item 1: Making sure that you are emotionally ready to go through with a decision.

Not being really ready to decide about whether to get a divorce because of emotional uncertainty will be a serious obstacle if you let your emotions cloud your ability to reason or use logic. People often fear making a tough decision and there are many reasons why people don't ever get around to actually making a divorce decision, which is often one of the toughest decisions to make in life. If you aren't ready to handle the emotional pain of what could be a "life changing" event like deciding about divorce, wait until you can before going through your divorce decision making process.

Divorce Decision Item 2: Making sure that the reasons for divorce that you've listed regarding why you think you want a divorce are indeed valid.

Too often people make the mistake of wanting to get a divorce (or thinking they want to get a divorce) for unviable reasons. This comes from being wrapped up with the idea of being hurt and focusing on one's self rather than separating the actual events from the end results.

Yes, it is very tough to elevate your thinking and be seemingly autonomous to your own situation...in fact, it is often impossible to do. But, if you can look at your situation with someone else in your place, and then go through your divorce decision making process, you'll be closer to the real answer that you want.

Divorce Decision Item 3: Understanding that your sense of self-confidence, ability to be 'self sustaining' with finances or other material things, and desire to 'start over' are all unwavering.

This mix of considerations about divorce can be overpowering for some people when they try to 'break away' or make the decision about getting a divorce. Simply, these 'things to think about' intertwine and affect each other directly. Self-confidence is essential to being able to make a lucid divorce decision, and your level of self-confidence can easily be changed (for better or worse) instantly. If this is the case, you should really re-think whether you're ready to make a divorce decision and follow through with it.

A lot of time, women in divorce situations have to deal with finance issues and they fear going out on their own because they've had financial support previously. Still, the fear of losing finances or material things is not gender specific by any means...men and women alike need to decide if they are ready to go through financial loss to improve their lives if they feel a divorce will do so. Logic will lead you to the fact that finances shouldn't be the only piece of your divorce decision even though it usually figures in...as to what level finances figure into your divorce decision, will depend on you and what you deem important.

If your overall confidence and desire to start over with your love life support making a change, you're off to a good start in making a smart decision about whether to divorce or not.

Divorce Decision Item 4: Determining who else your divorce decision will affect and how much weight that carries in your decision making formula about divorce.

This item to consider when thinking about divorce is one of the primary things that can lead a person to a decision, one way or another. Even though it can have serious negative repercussions, selfless people will take into account everyone else who will be affected by a serious change like getting a divorce...it is fundamental portion of the overall process of making a smart divorce decision. Children, in-laws, common friends, etc., all will be affected by what you do regarding your action as a result of you truly answering the question, "Should I Get A Divorce?".

When making your decision about staying married or getting divorced, you should look to the future and decide whether your decision will improve or decrease your quality of life and the quality of life of those that will be affected. The number one reason given by people who want to get divorced but don't go through with it, stems from the fear that others will suffer from the divorce. Be very careful when assessing this situation...make sure that you use logic and not emotion when evaluating your thoughts.

Making a divorce decision is a serious and difficult task because it is complex, deeply self-reflective, and frightening due to the length of time it can affect you and others. Make sure that you have your thoughts organized and prioritized and you take your time in making a decision.

By Karl Augustine

Does Living In A Loveless Marriage Necessarily Mean That You Should Get A Divorce?

Being in a loveless marriage is a frustrating predicament, but it may not necessarily mean that a divorce is eminent. Solving the quandary of a loveless marriage requires self-reflection to assess the situation, courage to try to create a team effort for the best decision with your spouse, and gumption to face the reality that a divorce may be the best solution for the loveless marriage.

But, before you jump right to the easy way out and decide on divorce, you should got through the process of making sure that you have logically thought through long-term implications of ending the loveless marriage.

Being in a loveless marriage and deciding whether to get a divorce based on this one fact alone is a misuse of an opportunity. Its not like deciding whether to stay married due to an extramarital affair or other marriage problems like abuse or living in a sexless marriage, choosing the right divorce decision when it comes to a loveless marriage is a totally different situation.

The opportunity is great to grow personally that is present when you're deciding about divorce because of being in a loveless marriage. Let's take a look at some of the items that are relevant to this situation regarding a loveless marriage and how you can approach this time in your life from a mature standpoint and come to the right choice while growing at the same time.

Loveless marriage item 1: Define love as you see it and assess whether or not your spouse agrees somewhat with you, at least in a complementary fashion.

For a loveless marriage to be assessed properly, making sure your idea or definition of love is "clear" is a solid way to make sure that you know what you've lost. And, if your spouses idea of what love is differs from yours so much that you both can't somewhat reap the benefits of love, you may need counseling to get to the root issue of your loveless marriage.

Loveless marriage item 2: Make sure that you are in fact out of love before you go further with steps to divorce or try to work it out.

Ask yourself, "Am I really out of love or am I giving up?". Keeping love alive can take work and strong communication with yourself and spouse. List the reasons why you think you're out of love and decide if those reasons prohibit a rekindling of love, assuming you were actually in love at some point. Being in a loveless marriage doesn't necessarily mean that it has to stay that way!

Loveless marriage item 3: Decide if you were ever really in love as you define love.

Your loveless marriage could have always been loveless, you may have just been to distracted to notice. You may have received other benefits from being with your spouse in the past that you aren't getting now and that could be why you're frustrated and living in a loveless marriage.

Of course, if you were in fact in love with your spouse at one time in the past, you both might not have done what needs to be done to keep love alive. Before you do anything about your loveless marriage, make sure you understand how your idea of love may have changed over time, and really contemplate if you were really ever in love.

Loveless marriage item 4: Assessing whether or not you need to be in love to stay married and if so, can your love be re-kindled?

This item regarding a loveless marriage is a crucial point in your decision making process. Some people stay married even when they are in a loveless marriage because the benefits they get from being married psychologically outweigh the need for love. These benefits could many things and could stem from lack of self confidence, money, fear of loneliness, etc.

If you're a person who needs love to stay married, make sure that you really think about how rejuvenate the love in your loveless marriage before you decide on divorce. If you're struggling regarding a decision about your loveless marriage, it means that it is worth fighting for.

If you really do soul searching and talk with your spouse openly about the lack of zest in your marriage in the hopes of making it better, you may find that your spouse feels the same way that you do!

Being a loveless marriage can be a drain on your day to day energy if you need love to stay happily married. If your marriage is worth it to you, be mature about the situation and do all you can to rekindle the love before you do anything else. If you do, you'll grow personally as will your spouse regardless whether or not you get a divorce.

By Karl Augustine

Divorce and the Stock Market

The most recent statistics show that about 50% of all marriages end in divorce. It is not very encouraging to enter into any kind of relationship knowing that it only has a 50/50 chance of being successful. Failure at anything is never pleasant, but there is one good thing about divorce. You are now free to try again and hopefully this time you will not make the same mistake.

Now I want you to think about divorce and the stock market. Do you own any stock or mutual funds that are selling for less than you paid for them? If you have owned any equities during this past three years I will be willing to bet you have some losers in your portfolio. Don't you think it is time to think about a divorce, a divorce from a losing situation?

Suppose you sold everything today and put it all in a money market account paying 1%? I know what you think about 1%. Suppose you had dumped those losers 2 years ago and been in cash all this time? Would you be money ahead at 1%? I'll bet you would.

You may be saying you don't know whether this is a good time to sell or buy more. Here in one way to make that decision. Analyze the stock or fund you have. If you would not buy more of it now then the smart thing to do would be to sell. And don't fall for the big Wall Street lie about dollar cost averaging.

Here is another way to determine how and when to sell - let the market tell you. You can place a stop-loss order with your broker for any amount you wish. Say your stock is selling for $20/share. I like to limit my loss to about 10% so I have my broker enter an order to sell me out if the stock drops to $18. If it keeps advancing I raise the stop loss order every week so that it is trailing along behind about 10%. When it advances to $30 my stop would then be at $27. This way I don't have to guess about where to get out. Brokers don't like to do this because they have to watch your account, but don't let him talk you out of it. You don't want to lose everything like you might in a divorce. Limit the damage. If you own mutual funds you will have to watch these yourself as you cannot place a stop-loss order; you have to call the broker to tell him to sell.

When you are in a bad marriage things just seem to get worse and worse. You could lose everything. When you are in a long-term bear market as we are now it is the same. Your financial assets become less and less. At least in the stock market you can limit your losses. Don't call a lawyer, call the broker and get out.

By Al Thomas

Avoid Lawyers! Do-It-Yourself Divorce Saved Me Tons of Money!

Let me preface this by saying right up front - this is NOT for everyone. The key is that my situation was friendly enough to still communicate with each other after we split. My ex-wife and I agreed that our kids were certainly worth that! And we still have to deal with one another until they are through college. This is offered as a life experience only and not intended as legal advice. As such, this may not apply to you.

After 25 years of marriage, I decided that I did not want to be married to my wife. We had drifted apart and in the last few years, things were getting worse. We had little in common anymore... including friends. By and large, mine were different from hers. She would go away on her weekends and I would go on mine. Other than our children, whom we both love very much, we were just a couple living together. She is still a good woman, just not one I wanted to be married to. There had to be something else... Sound familiar?

As our situation unfolded, she retained an attorney early on and we began negotiations in earnest within a month of separation. Sure we had our differences! But with an open line of communication available, we (her attorney and I) talked out our problems and came to an agreement within a few months.

I felt confident in representing myself after performing a few hours of research on the internet. And you bet, I was prepared to bail out and get an attorney too. But having done the research, nothing that came up was a surprise at all. I was very pleasantly surprised and amazed. I found that many things were already prescribed by statute as being pretty cut and dried. Child support? Maintenance? In NY, where I live, it was a matter of using past incomes to arrive at an appropriate level. The method and level were already set.

When it seemed to be all sorted out, I went to an attorney that a friend recommended highly. He had an offer of the first consultation costing only $50. for a one half hour conference. All I did was take the agreement to him for review. At the consultations conclusion, his exact words were "It seems that you have a pretty good handle on this. If you can get this signed and executed, you don't need me. Just call me if anything changes." Frankly I was overwhelmed! I had just saved $3,000. minimum! Money that could be used to put MY kids through college, not his!

I don't really know how unique my situation was. Hence, I do credit some luck on my part, as I said in the article summary. But it wasn't difficult.

I have performed a few legal services for myself in the past such as setting up a corporation, partnership, and purchase agreements. I believe that a person of reasonable intelligence can save an incredible amount of money on legal services, if they will do the research and use the preprinted legal forms that so many attorneys use themselves. It helps if you have gone through similar situations in the past. But had I ever had a divorce? Heck no! I had been married for over 25 years.

But here's the catch, I don't have a degree in law either! I urge you to not take this as a slam on attorneys. They have an excellent purpose in society, in spite of the jokes. I had the comfort level that allowed me to proceed beyond what I had anticipated I could. It won't work for everyone. Certainly, not everyone has that comfort level. It worked for me.

By George R Devendorf

7 Ways to Rediscover Your True Passion after Divorce

Going through a divorce is a very challenging time in a person's life. It is hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living "out of the habit" of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years.
Eventually, you begin to think about dating, but it is suggested that you take your time. Use this precious opportunity to rediscover yourself. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you. If you have worked outside the home combined with being a mom and wife for the last ten, fifteen or twenty years, you may have lost yourself along the way. Certainly not on purpose, but as most women try to do it all as "super" moms, many times we put our own wants and needs on hold to keep our families and jobs running smoothly!
Take a deep breath and let's start to rediscover our true passions and say... Will the Real Me Please Stand Up!
1) Treasure Your Gifts WithinRealizing we are all born as "gold nuggets" is a hard concept for many women to believe about themselves. Think about how magnificent you really are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don't like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities and read that list everyday. Keep reading it until you believe it. Examples: beautiful smile, kindness, generosity, loving, caring, intelligent. keep going. Your list is endless, when you start focusing on your great qualities. Allow yourself to see the shining gold within. It's already there!
2) Give Yourself A BreakDuring and after a divorce it is common to have the feeling of grieving, similar to that of the loss of someone. Many women feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off of this stressful time, such as working overtime or cleaning the house from top to bottom, but let this time also include pampering yourself. For example, barter with a friend or neighbor to watch your children or leave work early to give yourself this needed time. Yes, you do deserve to do something special for yourself. It can be as simple as taking a bath or a walk, going to the mall or reading a book with your favorite cup of tea. Give yourself permission - it's O.K. Remember, the happier you are, the happier your family will be!
3) No regrets! No bitterness!Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the "what ifs" and "if onlys"? This is normal for a period of time, but ask yourself.are these thoughts serving me or helping me feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything? To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and to learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. Yes, there is life after divorce. Learn to let it go! Just, let it go! A quote from Buddy Hackett, "I never hold a grudge because while I am being angry, the other person is out dancing."
4) Enjoy the Little ThingsLife after divorce usually means added responsibilities. If you are a single parent or are now the one responsible for the once shared to-do list, how do you handle it all without being totally stressed out? To start, learn to laugh more, especially at yourself. Learn to let things go and not take life so seriously. Lighten-up! Learn to live in the present moment. Living in the present is where all the "good stuff" in life happens. Yesterday is gone forever and tomorrow's worries are tomorrow. Think of it this way, when one is missing this moment in time, one is missing out on one's life.
So how do we live in the present? If you are feeling stressed, immediately leave your thoughts in your head and take off your blinders. (Blinders similar to what a horse would wear, not allowing it to see from side to side). Start to look around you. I mean really look around you. Look closely at everything. Really focus. Use all your senses! For example, if you are with your children observe them. Cherish their smiles. Give them a hug. See the true beauty of who they are and appreciate them for being a part of your life. You will start to feel your stress subside and a feeling of peace sweep over you. To be present, no matter where you are, use all your senses to pull you back into the moment. Take time to appreciate all the beauty that already exists around you. You only have to be present to see it!
5) What Makes Your Heart Sing?What really matters to you? What do you feel is your true purpose in life? If someone asked you that question, how would you answer them?
Why is it so important to be clear on what your life's purpose is? Knowing your purpose, will give you a true sense of who you are and why you were put on this earth. It gives your life direction and helps you make clear and easy decisions concerning that direction. It's your compass! Without a purpose, can your life be compared to a piece of driftwood? Floating endlessly in whichever direction the tide decides to take it and ending up on any beach with no will of its' own. When you live your life based on your purpose you are living in integrity with yourself and are in alignment of who you really are in all aspects of your life - body, mind and spirit. Take this time to focus on what really matters to you. Feel the true passions that exist in your heart and write them down.
6) What Are Your Vibes Saying About You?Are you familiar with the Law of Attraction? Maybe you have heard the expressions, "What you think about, you bring about" or "The more attention you give to something, the more attention it will give to you." When going through a divorce, your emotions can be compared to a roller coaster ride. Use this time to become reconnected to your inner awareness of who you are. Recognize if your feelings are low energy or high energy.
A few examples of low energy are stress, negativity, fear, resentment, or a sense of lack (lack of time or money) and high energy is joy, abundance, happy, positive, love or compassion. If you are having feelings of low energy, how do you make a shift to feel more of the high energy?
First, acknowledge and accept the feelings you are having. Be gentle with yourself! Your goal is to make a shift, but realize you might not be able to go from low to high instantly. Start with baby steps! Repeat step number three and become present! Be thankful for what is working in your life right now. Do something simple like pat your pet, smell a flower or, if you are in the office, take a minute to think of a previous fun time or experience you have had that could bring a smile to your face. Feel the shift you are starting to make in your energy.
Now, to amp up this high-energy feeling, think of another time of joy or something you were passionate about in your life. Keep adding these thoughts to your high-energy feeling and begin to feel great! Does it seem the people or situations around you have changed or is it you who has really changed? So, who has the power to feel their own joy? When you are feeling your high energy, this is the time to take your next inspired action. Enjoy the feeling of accomplishing something with ease and less effort!
7) Be True To YourselfDuring and even after a divorce, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what to do or how we feel. Should I or shouldn't I? It seems difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn't feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing or waiting. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. By waiting you may have allowed the situation to unfold more easily without having to worry! If a decision feels good or right, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily.
Has this ever happened to you? You are asked to be on a committee or to volunteer for something and you say yes, even though you know it will make your schedule even tighter or you really don't want to or have to?
How do you stop this from happening? Next time you are in this situation and you are ready to say yes, yet, find yourself having doubts, try this . STOP! Take a breath or even take a step back (this action will prevent you from saying yes). Pause! Thank the person for thinking of you, but let them know you will have to check your calendar and get back to them. When you do have time to think about it, focus on how you are feeling. Are you excited to volunteer or do you feel some resistance? If in a day or two you are still feeling doubtful, realize the timing might not be right for you. If you are still excited, join the committee and have fun!
Divorce is not easy or fun, but you can make it through this time of your life by realizing you WILL make it! Also, honor yourself and listen to your heart! Your true purpose and passions are waiting to be rediscovered within you! When you have discovered the "gold nugget" you already are, you will start to live your life with more ease and enjoy the feeling of peace. "You are truly free!"
Copyright 2004 Joanie Winberg. All Rights Reserved.